The 3 Biggest Lessons I Wish I’d Learned Sooner (A Letter to My 30-Year-Old Self)

I’m 52, and when I look back at my 30s and 40s, there are a few lessons I wish I’d learned sooner. Lessons that would have saved me years of chasing the wrong goals and helped me pivot onto a path that actually felt right.

If you’re in your 30s or 40s and feel like time is slipping away, this article is for you. You’re about to learn the truths I wish someone had shared with me 20 years ago.

The three lessons I’m about to share are things that no one tells you about this stage of life. But once you see them, you can’t unsee them.

Think of this as time travel: a message from my 50s self to you, so you don’t spend the next decade climbing the wrong mountain.

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Lesson 1: Stop Living on Autopilot

In my 30s and 40s, I was the queen of autopilot. I had my routines, my to-do lists, my carefully planned calendar. 

On the surface, I looked like I was winning at life. So why didn’t I feel like I was?

It’s all to do with what psychologists call the hedonic treadmill — that constant cycle of chasing the next thing. 

I would tick off one goal, then immediately run towards the next one, without stopping for a second. 

At the time, I thought I was just being productive, motivated, and goal-oriented. But after years of living this way, I woke up one day to an unsettling realization — the life I had worked so hard to build didn’t even feel like the life I truly wanted.

Living this way, on autopilot, is like following a recipe perfectly but then realizing you don’t even like the dish.

At that moment, you finally stop and ask yourself: Whose life am I actually building? Mine, or the one I thought I was supposed to live?

I wish I could go back and ask myself those questions 10 years earlier. But while I can’t, you do have the opportunity to pause and course-correct NOW.

Instead of continually racing through a checklist, pause and ask yourself: Do I even like what I’m doing? Do I even want this?

If the answer is no, it’s time to audit your life. Decide what’s yours to keep and what’s just noise.

Lesson 2: Identity Is More Important Than Goals

Here’s another reason why constantly chasing goals is not the path to happiness. 

I spent my 30s and 40s seeking achievement after achievement. But while the successes stacked up, I didn’t feel any more content.

Why?

Because my identity hadn’t changed. 

I was still carrying the identity of “doctor” — a label that shaped every decision I made, yet no longer fit who I was or what I wanted.

I was doing what I thought I should do as a doctor, and wondering why I never felt like I was growing as a person.

Finally, years later, I learned this… identity trumps goals. 

James Clear writes in his book Atomic Habits that every action you take is a vote for the type of person you believe you are. Over time, those votes accumulate until you become that person.

There’s even a study showing that when people were asked to “be a voter” instead of just “go vote,” turnout increased by 15%. 

So stop asking, What goal should I chase? and start asking, Who do I want to become?

• Instead of, “I want to lose 10 pounds,” say, “I’m someone who prioritizes health.”
• Instead of, “I want to save money,” say, “I’m someone who’s financially intentional.”

One is a task-based goal. The other is an identity-based goal, and that’s what rewires you to become the person you truly want to be.

Lesson 3: Time Isn’t Running Out—But It Is Slipping Away

I never forget waking up on my 50th birthday with sheer panic: “I’m over halfway through my life!”

It wasn’t that I suddenly felt old—it was that I suddenly felt aware of my time here on earth slipping away.

Looking back, I saw how quickly the last two decades had flown by, and I thought: If I don’t make changes now, the next two will vanish just as fast.

If you’re feeling that panic now, know this: You’re not too old. But it is too late to keep drifting.

The average person gets about 4,000 weeks of life. That means if you’re in your 40s, you’ve already used about 2,000 of them.

But here’s the good news… Research shows that happiness follows a U-shaped curve. Many people’s happiness levels dip in their 40s, but then increase again after the age of 50.

So the reframe? Midlife isn’t the beginning of decline. It CAN be the beginning of something better…. IF you stop postponing and start designing.

While your time won’t suddenly run out, it will drip away in tiny increments until you decide to course-correct your life.

The Big Reframe

Whether you’re in your 30s, 40s, or 50s, know that you’re not behind and you don’t need to overhaul your whole life.

But you DO need to stop living on autopilot, redefine your identity, and start taking action towards the type of life you actually want.

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If you’d like some support doing this, I’d love for you to join me in my free 5-day challenge called The Reset. It’s short, powerful, and it’ll help you get unstuck and moving in the right direction!

Which of these 3 lessons hit home for you the most? Let me know in the comments below!

Resources:

• The Reset Challenge – FREE 5-Day Challenge To Reclaim Your Energy, Focus & Mindset
• The WellPlanned Method – Master Your Goals With The WellPlanned Goal Planner
• My Free Class for Health Coaches: How To Build A 6-Figure Health Coaching Business Using One Signature Program
• Dr. Kim on Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/drkimfoster/

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