The Real Reason Your Habits Keep Failing (It’s Not What You Think)

Most people believe that they fail to build new habits because they’re not motivated or disciplined enough.

But that’s not the real problem.

After 20 years as a doctor and a coach, working with hundreds of people on personal development, I’ve seen the same pattern over and over… and it has nothing to do with willpower.

The answer isn’t to try harder, and it definitely isn’t to start another 16-step morning routine.

Most habits fail for one invisible reason that’s not even related to the habit itself.

It’s about the identity behind the habit. 

In this article, I’m breaking down the exact reason habits fail, and more importantly, how to stop it from happening again.

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The Pattern We All Fall Into

“New month, new me” — We’ve all said it.

We buy a fancy planner, download a habit tracker app, and even buy a motivational water bottle the size of a fire extinguisher.

And for three days… we crush it.

But then, before we know it, we’re too tired to work out, don’t have time to do our morning routine, and forget to meal-prep.

Before long, our “fresh start” has been replaced with a dark shadow of guilt and self-disappointment.

Despite what motivational advice may tell you, this doesn’t happen because of a lack of willpower. Nor is it because your goals were too big or your routine too ambitious.

The problem stems from something deeper… your foundation.

Because personal transformation doesn’t come from what you do, but who you believe you are.

The Real Problem

After coaching hundreds of people through real, lasting change, I started to see this pattern.

I realized that the people who succeeded weren’t the ones with the perfect routine or the strongest willpower.

They were the ones who, quietly and almost unconsciously, began to see themselves differently.

Because the truth is this:

Your habits are a reflection of your identity. Not the other way around.

So, if deep down, you believe you’re “not athletic” no matter how many running apps you download, you’ll still struggle to get up and go running.

Or if you have the identity of someone who is “bad with money,” you’ll unconsciously find ways to sabotage your financial situation, even if you’ve created the most comprehensive budget spreadsheet.

Why does this happen?

It’s all to do with our brain and its tendency to choose familiarity, even if that familiarity is not serving us.

The Science Of Identity

Harvard psychologist Robert Kegan spent decades studying adult development and change, and what he found is something I wish I’d learned in medical school:

Most adults unconsciously resist change because it threatens their sense of identity.

In other words, we’re not just afraid of failing at something new; we’re scared of losing who we’ve always been.

Your brain doesn’t prioritize what’s best for you. It prioritizes what’s familiar.

I’m sure you’ve felt that strange tension before, when you try to start something new, like working out or taking on a creative project. Even though you know it’s good for you, it feels wrong, like it doesn’t fit.

That’s identity at work.

I experienced this when I left medicine. My title changed as soon as I left my job, but my identity as “Doctor Foster” lingered for a long time after.

And honestly, it wasn’t until I stopped seeing myself as a doctor and started seeing myself as someone who helps people reinvent themselves that things began to click into place.

Because your identity isn’t just who you’ve been. It’s who you’re willing to become.

The Identity Gap: A 3-Step Fix

To make your habits stick and ensure lasting change, you need to bridge the gap between your goal and your identity.

How do you do this?

The following 3-step process is what I teach in my coaching programs and is also a big part of my upcoming book, Redesigning You.

By following these 3 steps, your habits will stop feeling like a fight and start feeling like a fit, because you’ve realigned your identity to meet those new habits.

Step 1: Recognize

You can’t create a new identity if you don’t know your current one.

So the first step is to become aware of the current story that’s running in the background of your life, quietly calling the shots.

Ask yourself: “What’s the sentence I’ve been carrying around about who I am?”

It could be something like:

• “I’ve never been consistent.”
• “I’m just not the kind of person who finishes things.”
• “I’m too busy to prioritize myself.”

These aren’t facts; they’re beliefs, and the good news is, you can rewire them.

Step 2: Redesign.

The next step is to choose a new identity.

But the key is to keep it simple. 

So instead of, “I am a perfectly optimized productivity machine who wakes at dawn and crushes my to-do list by midday,” it should be:

• “I’m someone who follows through.”
• “I’m becoming someone who takes care of her future self.”
• “I move my body every day because it helps me feel like ME.”

Once you’ve created your new identity, rehearse it daily by visualizing yourself as this person.

Neuroscientists, like Dr. Tara Swart, have discovered that mental rehearsal literally rewires your brain through a set of cells called “mirror neurons”.

Step 3: Ritualize

The final step is to anchor your new identity with tiny, consistent actions.

Now, it doesn’t matter whether or not you actually “achieve” anything through these actions. The purpose is to prove to your brain that this is who you are now.

So let’s say you want to run a 10K race, but you’ve never run before. 

You don’t need to start running 5k or more to prove to yourself you can do it. You simply need to put on your running shoes, even if you just walk around the block.

Putting on your running shoes and walking out your front door may not seem like much of an achievement on the outside.

But internally, you’re casting a vote for your new identity as a runner.

And when your identity changes, your habits don’t just stick; they make sense!

Dive Deeper Into Identity Change

In this week’s YouTube video, I dive deeper into this concept of identity change and the 3 steps to changing your internal story. 

I also share an extra technique to jumpstart belief in your new identity, perfect for those moments when you don’t yet feel like the person you want to become.

Here’s where you can watch:

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And if you want to keep working on this, I’ve created a free resource to help you. With The Morning Routine Menu, you can start embodying your future identity by building a morning ritual based on the kind of person you want to become.

Who’s the “future you” you’re stepping into? Drop it in the comments, I’d love to hear!

Resources:

• Dr. Kim on Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/drkimfoster/ if you’re feeling stuck right now, I’ve got something that will help you take that first step.
• My Free Guide: The Ultimate Morning Routine Menu
• My Free Class for Health Coaches: How To Build A 6-Figure Health Coaching Business Using One Signature Program

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