Let’s be honest: learning something new as an adult can make you feel incredibly vulnerable.
Whether it’s starting a YouTube channel, learning a language, taking up public speaking, or walking onto a golf course for the first time, there’s often an unhelpful voice in the background whispering:
You don’t belong here.
That’s exactly what I explored in a recent conversation with golf coach Shayain. And while the conversation centered around golf, what we uncovered was really about something much bigger: identity, confidence, reinvention, and the psychology of starting over as an adult.
Because golf, it turns out, is a perfect metaphor for personal growth.
Why Is It So Hard to Start Something New as an Adult?
One of the first things I asked Shayain was what she notices most when adults first come to her events to learn golf.
Her answer had very little to do with mechanics or technique.
“People come in really tense… they’re looking down… they have their shoulders up to their ears.”
She then explained that this discomfort starts long before people even arrive.
“The panic usually starts at home, before they’ve even shown up,” she said. “They’re in their house, thinking, ‘What am I going to wear? Am I going to belong? Am I doing something wrong?’”
I think this is true of almost every new thing we attempt as adults.
Children expect to learn, while adults expect themselves to already know what they’re doing.
And that creates an enormous amount of pressure.
As I reflected during our conversation, “As an adult, you’re supposed to have some stuff figured out.”
So when we enter a new environment as beginners, it can feel deeply exposing. We don’t just fear failure; we fear looking foolish.
The Hardest Part Isn’t the Skill; It’s Showing Up
One of the most powerful insights Shayain shared was this:
“I always start with a round of applause for showing up, because to show up to a golf event is the hardest thing you can do.”
That line stayed with me. Because showing up means allowing yourself to be seen before you feel ready.
It means:
- Risking embarrassment
- Being inexperienced
- Not knowing the rules
- Feeling like an outsider
And golf magnifies all of it.
“There’s the clubhouse, the etiquette, the equipment,” I said during the interview. “It feels like everyone else has got it figured out.”
Shayain then told me how she helps her students dismantle that illusion.
“I let everybody know that they suck,” she laughed. “Because you know what? I suck too. Everybody sucks at golf.”
Underneath the humor is an important truth: most people are far less competent and confident than we assume they are.
We just happen to be watching ourselves from the inside while observing everyone else from the outside.
What Actually Holds People Back?
Shayain revealed how the real challenge of learning golf isn’t technical but psychological. And it all comes down to:
- Perfectionism
- Our need for control
- Comparing ourselves to others
“We are, in a way, control freaks… and golf will expose that…. You are your biggest critic, because you could potentially be comparing yourself to the person next to you who has had 20 lessons and has been playing for 10 years,” Shayain said.
We then talked about how, as adults, we feel we need to become competent before we allow ourselves to begin. But in reality, growth requires the exact opposite: a willingness to be visibly imperfect.
“We’re all trying to be perfect in a game that you literally cannot be perfect at,” Shayain explained.
And isn’t that true of life, too?
So many of us delay things we deeply want because we’re waiting to feel confident enough, ready enough, qualified enough.
What Changes When Someone Starts to ‘Become’ the Thing?
One of my favorite moments in the interview came when I shared a recent experience from my own golf journey.
At a lesson, the instructor casually asked me, “Are you a golfer?”
And without thinking too much about it, I replied: “Yes, I’m a golfer.”
I didn’t qualify or soften it, like yes, I’m a golfer, but I’m just beginning. Or, yes, I’m a golfer, but I’m not very good.
I simply claimed the identity because that’s what I had been training myself to do. I’ve been training myself to see myself as a golfer.
When I shared this story, Shayain expressed how proud she was of me for saying yes.
“Because when asked, ‘Are you a golfer?’ 9.8 out of 10 times, a woman will say no. Even women who have been playing for years hesitate to fully claim it.”
Why?
Because so many of us are conditioned to wait for permission before we allow ourselves to become something new.
We wait to be chosen, validated, or approved. But as I said during our conversation:
“You can’t wait to be chosen. You have to choose yourself.”
And Shayain agreed. “You don’t have to prove it. You don’t have to pull a rule book. It’s up to you to choose. Even if you’ve only done it once, you can still say, yes, I’m a golfer because I’ve done it once.”
Confidence Is Built Through Repetition, Not Perfection
Another thing Shayain emphasized was the importance of consistency.
Many people want dramatic improvement quickly, but sustainable growth usually happens through small repeated actions.
“If you practice for 10 minutes every day, you will see so much more progress than trying to carve out three hours of grinding,” she said.
I think this applies to almost everything:
- Fitness
- Confidence
- Creativity
- Business
- Language learning
Small consistent actions reshape our identity over time.
And importantly, Shayain believes we’re much more likely to stay consistent when we don’t try to do everything alone.
Her advice?
“Find a driving range buddy.”
In other words: create accountability. Find people who normalize the version of you you’re becoming.
The Fear Beneath “I’m Too Old”
Toward the end of our conversation, we talked about age and reinvention.
Shayain told me about an 85-year-old woman who attended one of her golf retreats in Greece. Despite being an experienced golfer, the woman confessed something heartbreaking at the end of the trip:
“She said, ‘I was really scared to come… because I didn’t think you guys would accept me.’”
That moment really stayed with me. Because even at 85, the fear wasn’t failure. It was fear of rejection, not belonging, not being accepted in a new space.
And I think that’s what so many of us are really navigating whenever we try something new. Not simply the skill itself, but the emotional exposure that comes with becoming visible as a beginner again.
Watch The Full Interview
If this conversation resonated with you, watch the full interview with Shayain on YouTube. In it, we dive deep into confidence, identity, belonging, and what it really takes to start something new as an adult.
You can watch it here:
Final Thoughts
Learning something new isn’t just about acquiring a skill; it’s about expanding who you see yourself as.
That process is almost always uncomfortable at first. But that discomfort isn’t a sign that something’s gone wrong; it’s a sign that something is changing.
And the more willing you are to stay in that space, just a little longer than feels natural, the more you start to become someone who can actually do the thing you once thought wasn’t for you.
And maybe the most important takeaway of all is this:
You do not need permission to begin becoming someone new.
More Resources:
- Preorder My Upcoming Book: Redesigning You
- Identify The Patterns Keeping You Stuck with: Self-Sabotage Recovery Guide
- Dr. Kim on Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/drkimfoster/
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